Labor Day Weekend

Family events are slowly becoming the bane of my existence.

I used to LOVE getting the family together. 

But this past weekend showed me how wrong I was. 

(Rewind a month)

So after being told that I will never be able to have my own children, my oldest brother and his wife announce that they are pregnant. But wait not only that but that her nephew (a guy I graduated high school with) and his wife are also expecting. Oh goodie another baby. I sound bitter I know. But can you blame me!? 

Cue: crying and "why me" 

After finding that out I asked Jeff, more times than he would like, if he was sure he wanted to marry someone broken and defective like me. While everyone else gets a free baby, we would have to save thousands of dollars for the possibility (not even the guarantee) of a child... and then if that doesn't work we would have to save even more for adoption. 

Please tell me how one can remain positive??

So Labor Day weekend comes and its the first time all the family has been together since Memorial Day--so the first time we have all been together since Jeff and I got engaged and my brother and his wife announced their pregnancy. 

Guess what was talked about most--wedding or baby? You guessed it baby! Yippee! lol 

I am surrounded by my siblings children, listening to them talk about cravings and "how are you feelings" and "oh just wait..." etc etc... It was right then I realized I would no longer like going to family things. 

To understand what I am feeling. Try for a moment to imagine something you really really want. Have wanted your entire life. Lets pretend it's a new phone (first thing that popped into my head) Everyone around you has this new phone. And that's all they are talking about. New phone this, new phone that. But you can't get this phone. You can look at everyone elses new phone, but you will never, EVER, ever be able to get this phone. Never. That's not even remotely comparable, but you get the idea. 

What makes all this even more difficult is that my younger brother (who has a daughter) thinks I should just be concentrating on getting married and not worry about the "baby thing"... and its not just him. Thats everyones opinion--well mostly everyone... 

Lets just clear the air--I would rather have a baby than get married. Getting married is just a piece of paper. I would rather have a family with Jeff than a huge wedding. So screw you.

And while I am getting things off my chest... I should probably mention this... Everyone knows someone who has some sort of fertility issues but were able to conceive... Kudos to them. No really, good for them. I wish that was me. But before you tell me this story, in an effort to tell me to remain positive, you should understand that there are A LOT of different kinds of fertility issues. So that someone you know more than likely didn't have the same issue as me. These stories no longer give me hope, they annoy me.

Because right now the odds of me winning the Mega Millions Lotto is better than me getting pregnant.




Remaining positive is so damn hard.