Feeling pretty good with keeping things positive :)
There was a brief moment in September where I felt like I hated myself. I just felt so negative. I felt bad for Jeff--but he's amazing and understood. He just keeps telling me that he knows I'm going through a difficult time and that I just need to focus on the good. I am definitely trying and it feels great! :)
I started a diet with my parents last Friday. It's quite restrictive but I feel really good so far. And the motivation I get from Jeff and my parents is amazing! I keep telling myself one step at a time. Step one is weight loss! I want to get as healthy as I possibly can. I am going to focus all my energy on that and not worry about babies. Because worrying does nothing for you, except give you wrinkles, sleepless nights and heart palpitations lol
Obviously this kind of thinking doesn't work every single day. Everyone has their ups and downs. I am just hoping for more ups! :)
In either case--I am technically 2 days into my weight loss journey (as the first 3 days were "loading") and am already down 3.4 pounds. Amazing i know ;) and I know with the support I am getting from everyone I will continue to do well. Once I reach my weight loss/health goal I will start working on step 2--which will be me getting my hormone levels retested and trying to work on increasing my AMH (of course I have read that weight loss will increase AMH, even though drs will try and tell you increasing it is impossible. excuse me Dr--but nothing is impossible!) Obviously if my hormone levels don't get better we will begin more research into adoption and donor egg programs. And currently we have a fund going for a baby :)
We have been saving for our wedding and then whatever else we can spare goes to our Baby Fund :) I know it seems odd to put the majority of our money towards our wedding and not baby, but our rational is this--1.) in order to adopt you should at least be married for a year (most foreign places like 5 years and up, some places like Russia want you to be married for at least 10 years!) and 2.) if the baby thing falls through i want to at least have nice memories from a great wedding, marrying the man of my dreams and best friend.
One thing at a time!! For right now I am slowly chugging along with Step 1! :)
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Positive Energy :)
So since I know that no one is really reading this, I'm going into "diary" mode lol...
I got all of my negativity out in the past posts.
No need for it on here anymore.
Because writing about negative things just brings negative feelings. After writing every one of those posts about my past I was in a sour mood. Every single time.
I started writing in a good mood and by the time I hit 'publish' I was feeling bitter and angry.
I'm at the point where I am looking at myself from the outside world and I look like a miserable bitch of a woman. Who would be around that?! No one! I don't even want to be around myself lol...
So in an effort to not turn into that person I am going to remain positive. Which is going to be so much harder than I can even imagine right now.
Concentrating on the negative things in life will only make you negative and you attract negative. Thinking about it will change nothing! I'll pull a line from my dad "as a man thinks, so it is"
So here we go... POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!! :)
speak, write & think only positive thoughts.
Let all the negativity float out of me and pop like a bubble never to return to my thoughts :)
See that... feeling better all ready!
I got all of my negativity out in the past posts.
No need for it on here anymore.
Because writing about negative things just brings negative feelings. After writing every one of those posts about my past I was in a sour mood. Every single time.
I started writing in a good mood and by the time I hit 'publish' I was feeling bitter and angry.
I'm at the point where I am looking at myself from the outside world and I look like a miserable bitch of a woman. Who would be around that?! No one! I don't even want to be around myself lol...
So in an effort to not turn into that person I am going to remain positive. Which is going to be so much harder than I can even imagine right now.
Concentrating on the negative things in life will only make you negative and you attract negative. Thinking about it will change nothing! I'll pull a line from my dad "as a man thinks, so it is"
So here we go... POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!! :)
speak, write & think only positive thoughts.
Let all the negativity float out of me and pop like a bubble never to return to my thoughts :)
See that... feeling better all ready!
Monday, September 9, 2013
Labor Day Weekend
Family events are slowly becoming the bane of my existence.
I used to LOVE getting the family together.
But this past weekend showed me how wrong I was.
(Rewind a month)
So after being told that I will never be able to have my own children, my oldest brother and his wife announce that they are pregnant. But wait not only that but that her nephew (a guy I graduated high school with) and his wife are also expecting. Oh goodie another baby. I sound bitter I know. But can you blame me!?
Cue: crying and "why me"
After finding that out I asked Jeff, more times than he would like, if he was sure he wanted to marry someone broken and defective like me. While everyone else gets a free baby, we would have to save thousands of dollars for the possibility (not even the guarantee) of a child... and then if that doesn't work we would have to save even more for adoption.
Please tell me how one can remain positive??
So Labor Day weekend comes and its the first time all the family has been together since Memorial Day--so the first time we have all been together since Jeff and I got engaged and my brother and his wife announced their pregnancy.
Guess what was talked about most--wedding or baby? You guessed it baby! Yippee! lol
I am surrounded by my siblings children, listening to them talk about cravings and "how are you feelings" and "oh just wait..." etc etc... It was right then I realized I would no longer like going to family things.
To understand what I am feeling. Try for a moment to imagine something you really really want. Have wanted your entire life. Lets pretend it's a new phone (first thing that popped into my head) Everyone around you has this new phone. And that's all they are talking about. New phone this, new phone that. But you can't get this phone. You can look at everyone elses new phone, but you will never, EVER, ever be able to get this phone. Never. That's not even remotely comparable, but you get the idea.
What makes all this even more difficult is that my younger brother (who has a daughter) thinks I should just be concentrating on getting married and not worry about the "baby thing"... and its not just him. Thats everyones opinion--well mostly everyone...
Lets just clear the air--I would rather have a baby than get married. Getting married is just a piece of paper. I would rather have a family with Jeff than a huge wedding. So screw you.
And while I am getting things off my chest... I should probably mention this... Everyone knows someone who has some sort of fertility issues but were able to conceive... Kudos to them. No really, good for them. I wish that was me. But before you tell me this story, in an effort to tell me to remain positive, you should understand that there are A LOT of different kinds of fertility issues. So that someone you know more than likely didn't have the same issue as me. These stories no longer give me hope, they annoy me.
Because right now the odds of me winning the Mega Millions Lotto is better than me getting pregnant.
Remaining positive is so damn hard.
And while I am getting things off my chest... I should probably mention this... Everyone knows someone who has some sort of fertility issues but were able to conceive... Kudos to them. No really, good for them. I wish that was me. But before you tell me this story, in an effort to tell me to remain positive, you should understand that there are A LOT of different kinds of fertility issues. So that someone you know more than likely didn't have the same issue as me. These stories no longer give me hope, they annoy me.
Because right now the odds of me winning the Mega Millions Lotto is better than me getting pregnant.
Remaining positive is so damn hard.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Fresh Start?
So I put all of this Kris stuff behind me.
I decided to start fresh.
I called Buffalo IVF and made an appointment.
I found an acupuncturist and started going every week.
Unfortunately, acupuncture was a little more expensive than I anticipated ($160 for the first appointment and $85 every week after) and I was worried my insurance wouldn't cover Buffalo IVF--so Jeff and I decided to wait until we were more financially secure.
By the beginning of 2013 acupuncture helped me get my period back (well until April)
By May 2013 I had lost 20 pounds--So I was feeling pretty good.
I found a new ob/gyn closer to home and he is amazing. It's a small office and i could tell it is the kind of place where you won't get lost in the shuffle. I made my appointment with Buffalo IVF for July and was looking forward to seeing what options he had for us.
By the time our appointment rolled around I was so nervous!
The phone call from Kris was playing on repeat in my head.
Dr. Sullivan was very friendly.
Took some blood and decided to see how my body would respond on femara.
I came back a week later for an internal sono to see if my body produced any follicles.
Alas--there were none.
My blood work was back and I had them fax the results to the office.
As soon as I saw my numbers I knew Kris was right.
A nurse called me and said that Dr. Sullivan would like to have us come in for a consultation, but the earliest she could get me in was at the end of July. He also wanted Jeff to get a sperm analysis--just in case. So we got stuck waiting for 3 weeks. Jeff told me not to worry and that he would have options for us.
That weekend Jeff proposed. Officially engaged and feeling like everything is going our way :)
Three weeks later...
Jeff's numbers are amazing. aka if he was engaged to someone else he would have gotten her pregnant immediately. My numbers are horrible. Dr. Sullivan tells me that there is nothing he can do for me. And that my only options are using a donor egg or adoption.
He tells me to ask my sister to donate one of her eggs--since siblings are 99.95% genetically the same. But she won't.
A known donor egg--cost $10,000 vs. an anonymous donor egg--cost $42,000
I'd say I don't know why she won't, but thats not true. I know why. I just don't want to say.
I found a new acupuncturist, closer to the office and cheaper.
She hooked me up with an herbalist in Seneca Falls who is extremely hard to get an appointment with.
I'm trying not to give up hope. But it's so extremely hard.
So that brings you up to date...
I decided to start fresh.
I called Buffalo IVF and made an appointment.
I found an acupuncturist and started going every week.
Unfortunately, acupuncture was a little more expensive than I anticipated ($160 for the first appointment and $85 every week after) and I was worried my insurance wouldn't cover Buffalo IVF--so Jeff and I decided to wait until we were more financially secure.
By the beginning of 2013 acupuncture helped me get my period back (well until April)
By May 2013 I had lost 20 pounds--So I was feeling pretty good.
I found a new ob/gyn closer to home and he is amazing. It's a small office and i could tell it is the kind of place where you won't get lost in the shuffle. I made my appointment with Buffalo IVF for July and was looking forward to seeing what options he had for us.
By the time our appointment rolled around I was so nervous!
The phone call from Kris was playing on repeat in my head.
Dr. Sullivan was very friendly.
Took some blood and decided to see how my body would respond on femara.
I came back a week later for an internal sono to see if my body produced any follicles.
Alas--there were none.
My blood work was back and I had them fax the results to the office.
As soon as I saw my numbers I knew Kris was right.
A nurse called me and said that Dr. Sullivan would like to have us come in for a consultation, but the earliest she could get me in was at the end of July. He also wanted Jeff to get a sperm analysis--just in case. So we got stuck waiting for 3 weeks. Jeff told me not to worry and that he would have options for us.
That weekend Jeff proposed. Officially engaged and feeling like everything is going our way :)
Three weeks later...
Jeff's numbers are amazing. aka if he was engaged to someone else he would have gotten her pregnant immediately. My numbers are horrible. Dr. Sullivan tells me that there is nothing he can do for me. And that my only options are using a donor egg or adoption.
He tells me to ask my sister to donate one of her eggs--since siblings are 99.95% genetically the same. But she won't.
A known donor egg--cost $10,000 vs. an anonymous donor egg--cost $42,000
I'd say I don't know why she won't, but thats not true. I know why. I just don't want to say.
I found a new acupuncturist, closer to the office and cheaper.
She hooked me up with an herbalist in Seneca Falls who is extremely hard to get an appointment with.
I'm trying not to give up hope. But it's so extremely hard.
So that brings you up to date...
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
The Phone Call from Hell...
I waited a week and a half for Kris to call me back.
It was a gloomy, cool fall day. Rainy. The kind where you wish you were home curled up under a blanket watching scary movies instead of sitting at work. The phone call was brief, but packed a punch.
When I answered I could tell that she was clearly annoyed that I called her, even more annoyed that I called to ask what her opinion was on talking to Buffalo IVF. Considering that her job is to perform annual exams on women and is not a RE, but a NP I didn't see an issue.
I asked her about Dr. Sullivan and she said "Um yeah I told you to go see him when we last spoke, if you wanted a second opinion"
Never once in our conversations did she EVER mention that I should get a second opinion. Not once!
But according to her, she did. Liar.
She then proceeded to tell me that:
obviously i NEED to go to him to "come to grips" with the reality of my situation. since i'm "not grasping the whole thing" she tells me i should go to him and have him tell me the information. but that he'll take one look at my numbers and won't let me into the program. but i should go to hear from him that i won't be able to have my own kids. and that maybe after hearing it from someone else i'll believe it.
she spoke to me with such contempt and was so condescending.
She went from telling me not to worry that she will get me pregnant to telling me that i will NEVER have children and I need to come to grips with that. I couldn't believe the change in her.
If you are reading this and go to Ob/Gyn Associates of WNY--seriously consider changing to a different ob/gyn.
By the end of the phone call I was sobbing. She ended the call telling me she would fax all my info over to Dr. Sullivan, good luck and hung up on me. Very professional.
I sat out on my parents porch crying. My mom came down and tried to comfort me. Was in shock when I told her what Kris had to say. A few minutes later my dad and Jeff pulled in from work. Jeff was so angry that he was ready to drive to her office and speak to her face to face.
A year later and thinking of that phone call still upsets me. I wish I could have found a way to make sure that she was never able to speak to people like that again. She was purposefully cruel and I cringe to think that she talks to other women with fertility issues like that.
Moral of the story:
* Don't stay with your regular ob/gyn if you have fertility issues
* Avoid Kris Ziegler, NP from Ob/Gyn Associates of WNY like the plague
It was a gloomy, cool fall day. Rainy. The kind where you wish you were home curled up under a blanket watching scary movies instead of sitting at work. The phone call was brief, but packed a punch.
When I answered I could tell that she was clearly annoyed that I called her, even more annoyed that I called to ask what her opinion was on talking to Buffalo IVF. Considering that her job is to perform annual exams on women and is not a RE, but a NP I didn't see an issue.
I asked her about Dr. Sullivan and she said "Um yeah I told you to go see him when we last spoke, if you wanted a second opinion"
Never once in our conversations did she EVER mention that I should get a second opinion. Not once!
But according to her, she did. Liar.
She then proceeded to tell me that:
obviously i NEED to go to him to "come to grips" with the reality of my situation. since i'm "not grasping the whole thing" she tells me i should go to him and have him tell me the information. but that he'll take one look at my numbers and won't let me into the program. but i should go to hear from him that i won't be able to have my own kids. and that maybe after hearing it from someone else i'll believe it.
she spoke to me with such contempt and was so condescending.
She went from telling me not to worry that she will get me pregnant to telling me that i will NEVER have children and I need to come to grips with that. I couldn't believe the change in her.
If you are reading this and go to Ob/Gyn Associates of WNY--seriously consider changing to a different ob/gyn.
By the end of the phone call I was sobbing. She ended the call telling me she would fax all my info over to Dr. Sullivan, good luck and hung up on me. Very professional.
I sat out on my parents porch crying. My mom came down and tried to comfort me. Was in shock when I told her what Kris had to say. A few minutes later my dad and Jeff pulled in from work. Jeff was so angry that he was ready to drive to her office and speak to her face to face.
A year later and thinking of that phone call still upsets me. I wish I could have found a way to make sure that she was never able to speak to people like that again. She was purposefully cruel and I cringe to think that she talks to other women with fertility issues like that.
Moral of the story:
* Don't stay with your regular ob/gyn if you have fertility issues
* Avoid Kris Ziegler, NP from Ob/Gyn Associates of WNY like the plague
Monday, September 2, 2013
2012... well most of it...
I'm not really sure how to start this post, so I guess I'll just dive right in.
At the end of Jan 2012, Jeff (boyfriend/fiancé/husband) got hurt at work--I won't go into the details, that belongs to a whole other blog post in itself. So in February we had a bunch of doctor's appointments--he had to get a boot for his foot and X-Rays and I figured that since we were driving around that I could stop at Kris's office really quick to get a pill to induce my period--since it decided to just stop (again).
I went in and they tell me I'm due for an annual.
I tell them I'll call to make an appointment and they insist I get it done now.
Okay fine. (cue: eye roll)
I sit down and wait about 5 mins. Thinking phew this is going to be fast--Awesome!
The nurse was a bitch, sends me back to the waiting room for another 20 mins--are you kidding me?
I finally get called back a second time and she takes me to the room where I waited for an HOUR AND A HALF!! I was livid. Looking back I should have just put my clothes back on and left, but I didn't. Kris finally comes in and I ask her what time it is because Jeff has been in the car waiting for 2 hours with a swollen ankle and 5 broken bones. She rolls her eyes at me. She didn't even finish the exam, just kept saying "oh no you're in a hurry. I'll let you go" never mind the fact that I could hear her out in the hallway earlier laughing it up with co workers while I sat half naked waiting for an hour and a half. I hate this woman. Kris Ziegler you are a horrible NP with the worst bedside manner I have ever witnessed! More on that later because she gets worse...
After being in the room for 3 minutes and not even finishing the exam, she tells me to get dressed and that she has blood work she wants me to have completed before she gives me anything to induce my period. It's laughable that at this point she is pissed at me. Pissed that I asked what time it was. Good Lord!
I get out to the car and at this point both of Jeff's ankles are extremely swollen and he is in excruciating pain. Thanks for that Kris.
Fast forward to the end of March...
I'm a planner.
I like planning things.
It gives me a sense of control.
With POF I lost all sense of control over the future I had planned.
So in March, having just turned 27 and realizing my 30's were closing in I wanted a better plan than the one I was currently working with (losing weight and getting healthier... losing weight being more difficult than I planned considering my body doesn't think I'm in my 20's, but thinks I'm in my late 50's and in menopause, so I just keep gaining weight. JOY!)
So I decided to call Kris--which I dreaded after the horrible experience I had with her in Feb. This time I swore I was going to get her to tell me what my options are. She tells me there is this new(er) blood test that can tell how many eggs I have left--AMH. She says that once she gets the results from this test she'll be able to figure out our best plan.
Someone please tell me why I continued to go to a regular ob/gyn's office and not a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist)?!
Blood results in and they are... horrible.
AMH: <0.16
The results essentially saying I have no eggs.
Kris calls to tell me. She says we can still try and that another option could be a donor egg through CNYFertility in Syracuse. She says that's a long way off though because I am still very young and she still thinks she can get me pregnant.
The next few months were very hard. I couldn't watch anything without crying. Stupid crayola crayon commercials would come on, showing kids coloring and happy mothers and i would just lose it.
Family events were even harder. My younger brother and his girlfriend announced they were expecting a baby at the end of February.
Now this I need to explain because I'm finding that a lot of people think I'm a bitch for crying after finding out news like this... I was so happy for them! So unbelievably happy for them! I was going to have a new niece or nephew to spoil rotten! I was excited for them. But at the exact time that I'm feeling all of this happiness, I was also experiencing the fact that it could possibly never be me. I would never experience what they were about to. And for that I was sad. I was sad for me.
After they told me the news I hugged and congratulated them and was oh so happy. I didn't start to cry until I was in the car. Jeff didn't understand. He kept asking why I couldn't just be happy for them. But I was happy for them. I was sad for us :(
So we decided that even though we weren't engaged that we would start actively trying. I went online and found all the herbs that women with high FSH and low AMH were taking to get pregnant. I recorded my basal body temp daily. Took handfuls of vitamins every morning, evening and right before bed (gag), did shots of nasty wheat grass and stopped drinking. And we tried. And tried. And tried. And Nothing...
Finally at the end of September when Jeff's mom announced to us very casually that Jeff's sister was expecting her second in May, after only trying for 2 weeks, I realized I couldn't do this on my own and needed to see an RE.
Again--it needs to be said, I was happy for his sister!
I love children and again this would just be another niece or nephew that we could spoil and love. I still cried though. I went home and drank an entire bottle of wine and tried to drown myself in tears.
Jeff still couldn't understand. I guess it would be hard for him to. It's hard for most people to grasp. Every time someone in our family announced they were pregnant it just made me realize how defective and broken my body was. My body isn't functioning properly. I could potentially never give Jeff the children he wants. And all around me people are getting pregnant without even trying. They don't have to record their body temp or take pills or not drink or do shots of wheat grass etc etc etc... They just got pregnant naturally.
cue: pity party
I decided to look into Buffalo IVF, but wanted to talk to Kris first. She originally told me she had an open door policy and to call her whenever I had any questions. I called her at the end of September... It took her a week and a half to call me back...
This would be the last time we spoke.
At the end of Jan 2012, Jeff (boyfriend/fiancé/husband) got hurt at work--I won't go into the details, that belongs to a whole other blog post in itself. So in February we had a bunch of doctor's appointments--he had to get a boot for his foot and X-Rays and I figured that since we were driving around that I could stop at Kris's office really quick to get a pill to induce my period--since it decided to just stop (again).
I went in and they tell me I'm due for an annual.
I tell them I'll call to make an appointment and they insist I get it done now.
Okay fine. (cue: eye roll)
I sit down and wait about 5 mins. Thinking phew this is going to be fast--Awesome!
The nurse was a bitch, sends me back to the waiting room for another 20 mins--are you kidding me?
I finally get called back a second time and she takes me to the room where I waited for an HOUR AND A HALF!! I was livid. Looking back I should have just put my clothes back on and left, but I didn't. Kris finally comes in and I ask her what time it is because Jeff has been in the car waiting for 2 hours with a swollen ankle and 5 broken bones. She rolls her eyes at me. She didn't even finish the exam, just kept saying "oh no you're in a hurry. I'll let you go" never mind the fact that I could hear her out in the hallway earlier laughing it up with co workers while I sat half naked waiting for an hour and a half. I hate this woman. Kris Ziegler you are a horrible NP with the worst bedside manner I have ever witnessed! More on that later because she gets worse...
After being in the room for 3 minutes and not even finishing the exam, she tells me to get dressed and that she has blood work she wants me to have completed before she gives me anything to induce my period. It's laughable that at this point she is pissed at me. Pissed that I asked what time it was. Good Lord!
I get out to the car and at this point both of Jeff's ankles are extremely swollen and he is in excruciating pain. Thanks for that Kris.
Fast forward to the end of March...
I'm a planner.
I like planning things.
It gives me a sense of control.
With POF I lost all sense of control over the future I had planned.
So in March, having just turned 27 and realizing my 30's were closing in I wanted a better plan than the one I was currently working with (losing weight and getting healthier... losing weight being more difficult than I planned considering my body doesn't think I'm in my 20's, but thinks I'm in my late 50's and in menopause, so I just keep gaining weight. JOY!)
So I decided to call Kris--which I dreaded after the horrible experience I had with her in Feb. This time I swore I was going to get her to tell me what my options are. She tells me there is this new(er) blood test that can tell how many eggs I have left--AMH. She says that once she gets the results from this test she'll be able to figure out our best plan.
Someone please tell me why I continued to go to a regular ob/gyn's office and not a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist)?!
Blood results in and they are... horrible.
AMH: <0.16
The results essentially saying I have no eggs.
Kris calls to tell me. She says we can still try and that another option could be a donor egg through CNYFertility in Syracuse. She says that's a long way off though because I am still very young and she still thinks she can get me pregnant.
The next few months were very hard. I couldn't watch anything without crying. Stupid crayola crayon commercials would come on, showing kids coloring and happy mothers and i would just lose it.
Family events were even harder. My younger brother and his girlfriend announced they were expecting a baby at the end of February.
Now this I need to explain because I'm finding that a lot of people think I'm a bitch for crying after finding out news like this... I was so happy for them! So unbelievably happy for them! I was going to have a new niece or nephew to spoil rotten! I was excited for them. But at the exact time that I'm feeling all of this happiness, I was also experiencing the fact that it could possibly never be me. I would never experience what they were about to. And for that I was sad. I was sad for me.
After they told me the news I hugged and congratulated them and was oh so happy. I didn't start to cry until I was in the car. Jeff didn't understand. He kept asking why I couldn't just be happy for them. But I was happy for them. I was sad for us :(
So we decided that even though we weren't engaged that we would start actively trying. I went online and found all the herbs that women with high FSH and low AMH were taking to get pregnant. I recorded my basal body temp daily. Took handfuls of vitamins every morning, evening and right before bed (gag), did shots of nasty wheat grass and stopped drinking. And we tried. And tried. And tried. And Nothing...
Finally at the end of September when Jeff's mom announced to us very casually that Jeff's sister was expecting her second in May, after only trying for 2 weeks, I realized I couldn't do this on my own and needed to see an RE.
Again--it needs to be said, I was happy for his sister!
I love children and again this would just be another niece or nephew that we could spoil and love. I still cried though. I went home and drank an entire bottle of wine and tried to drown myself in tears.
Jeff still couldn't understand. I guess it would be hard for him to. It's hard for most people to grasp. Every time someone in our family announced they were pregnant it just made me realize how defective and broken my body was. My body isn't functioning properly. I could potentially never give Jeff the children he wants. And all around me people are getting pregnant without even trying. They don't have to record their body temp or take pills or not drink or do shots of wheat grass etc etc etc... They just got pregnant naturally.
cue: pity party
I decided to look into Buffalo IVF, but wanted to talk to Kris first. She originally told me she had an open door policy and to call her whenever I had any questions. I called her at the end of September... It took her a week and a half to call me back...
This would be the last time we spoke.
Monday, August 12, 2013
The Nurse Complex
Let's see if we (and by we, I mean I) can speed things along a little bit :)
So my period finally came and I went to get my blood taken (again) on day 3.
Again I did a silent prayer begging God (pleading! I swear I'll never do anything bad again, just please please let this show better numbers!) to please make all my past blood work just a big mix up.
But alas when the results came in, the numbers were still high :(
10/4/2011
FSH: 28.1
LH: 23.6
Estradiol: 62
Again, not what I was hoping, but still better than before.
Kris, my NP, called and said she wanted to try out clomid to see how my body would respond, based solely on my numbers.
Now here is where my problem with her starts. I told her the story about my endocrinologist and how she said it was normal and at this point I was wondering what my options were, because lets face it, googling "High FSH" is scary and makes me cry.
(It's November at this point)
So I go in for the first appointment (Day 3, no clomid yet) and she does the internal sonogram and lo and behold--there are no follicles, no surprise. At the end of the appointment she starts telling me that my husband should get a semen analysis and gives me all this paperwork about getting pregnant and infertility. I didn't correct her, because I thought "If I tell her I'm not married she won't help me"
It's really frustrating when you go to the Dr's and they quite clearly haven't read your chart. All i wanted to know was WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS! Instead she's literally trying to get me pregnant right then and there. Now don't get me wrong, I would have loved to have gotten pregnant, but at this point my boyfriend and I hadn't even been together for 2 years. We knew we wanted to be together, but I feel a little more traditional and wanted to wait until I at least had a ring on my finger (cue waiting another year and half lol)
So I come back on Day 10--still acting like a scared little rabbit and won't open my mouth and correct the NP. And my body responded amazingly!! :) Produced a nice big follicle! (of course!) yay for me! except I wasn't trying to get pregnant right then. Ugh! we should have just started trying then! but I can't look back on the past and change anything.
She wanted to give me a shot of HCG to try and make my body release the follicle and said if I get my period by December 4th to give the office a call and we'll try another round. So I got my period, call the office, go in for an appointment and STILL won't open my mouth. She keeps calling my boyfriend, my husband, and is still assuming that I am actively trying to get pregnant. At this point I am pretty sure that she believes she is the one who discovered my high FSH and that she did an official consultation with me to discuss our options because she keeps referencing our first appointment.
At this point--I officially hate dr's. Seriously, learn to read the chart! It's very simple. But alas they all have this God complex and think they know all and that what they know is all that there is! Actually, she's not even a dr. Which makes this more of a nurse complex. A nurse who thinks shes a dr, who thinks she's God's gift to women.
Yes I have a major problem with her don't judge me!
I should mention that from the beginning she has always told me that she will be able to get me pregnant. When I first started going to this practice I expressed concern that I would have trouble getting pregnant and she said "you're so young. don't worry. when you want to get pregnant--i WILL get you pregnant!" super confident.
So when my blood results came back so poor in September and October-- she was still very positive. Don't worry--I'll get you pregnant. I've done it before... blah blah blah.
By November she seems less confident and by December, when my body didn't respond as well to the Clomid, even less. In November she was so surprised and happy at how well my body responded and when I brought that up to her in December she stared at me and nastily said "I could get an 80 year old woman to respond well to Clomid. It's not special!"
By Day 10 in December when she started being a bitch, I finally said "I want to take a break" I wanted to wait until I was engaged (although I didn't tell her that because she still thinks I'm married to my boyfriend) and wanted to try and get into shape and at least lose the 40 lbs I randomly put on (probably due to my POF)--which is so hard considering my body thinks I'm in menopause and simply refuses to let me lose anything. Super frustrating! Her response, super cheerful and acting all friendly to me again, "oh of course! Just let me know when you are ready again"
(Cue: break)
We will return in April 2012. Stay tuned... :)
So my period finally came and I went to get my blood taken (again) on day 3.
Again I did a silent prayer begging God (pleading! I swear I'll never do anything bad again, just please please let this show better numbers!) to please make all my past blood work just a big mix up.
But alas when the results came in, the numbers were still high :(
10/4/2011
FSH: 28.1
LH: 23.6
Estradiol: 62
Again, not what I was hoping, but still better than before.
Kris, my NP, called and said she wanted to try out clomid to see how my body would respond, based solely on my numbers.
Now here is where my problem with her starts. I told her the story about my endocrinologist and how she said it was normal and at this point I was wondering what my options were, because lets face it, googling "High FSH" is scary and makes me cry.
(It's November at this point)
So I go in for the first appointment (Day 3, no clomid yet) and she does the internal sonogram and lo and behold--there are no follicles, no surprise. At the end of the appointment she starts telling me that my husband should get a semen analysis and gives me all this paperwork about getting pregnant and infertility. I didn't correct her, because I thought "If I tell her I'm not married she won't help me"
It's really frustrating when you go to the Dr's and they quite clearly haven't read your chart. All i wanted to know was WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS! Instead she's literally trying to get me pregnant right then and there. Now don't get me wrong, I would have loved to have gotten pregnant, but at this point my boyfriend and I hadn't even been together for 2 years. We knew we wanted to be together, but I feel a little more traditional and wanted to wait until I at least had a ring on my finger (cue waiting another year and half lol)
So I come back on Day 10--still acting like a scared little rabbit and won't open my mouth and correct the NP. And my body responded amazingly!! :) Produced a nice big follicle! (of course!) yay for me! except I wasn't trying to get pregnant right then. Ugh! we should have just started trying then! but I can't look back on the past and change anything.
She wanted to give me a shot of HCG to try and make my body release the follicle and said if I get my period by December 4th to give the office a call and we'll try another round. So I got my period, call the office, go in for an appointment and STILL won't open my mouth. She keeps calling my boyfriend, my husband, and is still assuming that I am actively trying to get pregnant. At this point I am pretty sure that she believes she is the one who discovered my high FSH and that she did an official consultation with me to discuss our options because she keeps referencing our first appointment.
At this point--I officially hate dr's. Seriously, learn to read the chart! It's very simple. But alas they all have this God complex and think they know all and that what they know is all that there is! Actually, she's not even a dr. Which makes this more of a nurse complex. A nurse who thinks shes a dr, who thinks she's God's gift to women.
Yes I have a major problem with her don't judge me!
I should mention that from the beginning she has always told me that she will be able to get me pregnant. When I first started going to this practice I expressed concern that I would have trouble getting pregnant and she said "you're so young. don't worry. when you want to get pregnant--i WILL get you pregnant!" super confident.
So when my blood results came back so poor in September and October-- she was still very positive. Don't worry--I'll get you pregnant. I've done it before... blah blah blah.
By November she seems less confident and by December, when my body didn't respond as well to the Clomid, even less. In November she was so surprised and happy at how well my body responded and when I brought that up to her in December she stared at me and nastily said "I could get an 80 year old woman to respond well to Clomid. It's not special!"
By Day 10 in December when she started being a bitch, I finally said "I want to take a break" I wanted to wait until I was engaged (although I didn't tell her that because she still thinks I'm married to my boyfriend) and wanted to try and get into shape and at least lose the 40 lbs I randomly put on (probably due to my POF)--which is so hard considering my body thinks I'm in menopause and simply refuses to let me lose anything. Super frustrating! Her response, super cheerful and acting all friendly to me again, "oh of course! Just let me know when you are ready again"
(Cue: break)
We will return in April 2012. Stay tuned... :)
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
The Waiting Game Sucks!
Where were we?
Oh yeah, waiting...
So surprisingly enough the endocrinologist called me back first. Not so surprisingly she acted as if she was the one to discover my high FSH.
"I was looking at your numbers and thats just not normal. Lets get you retested!"
Oh really genius??! It's not normal for a 26 year old to have FSH levels of a post menopausal woman?!?
(pause... after reading this you should ALWAYS make sure you get your blood results faxed or mailed to you. It's always a good idea to have that kind of information in a folder of your own. Plus doctors are not the most reliable people and I say that full well knowing that my sister, Dr. J, falls into this category lol)
After that conversation I took a moment to be thankful.
Thankful that I had that annoyed nurse fax me the results
(I could feel her rolling her eyes when I asked her to fax it. "what you don't believe me?!" um no!).
(I could feel her rolling her eyes when I asked her to fax it. "what you don't believe me?!" um no!).
Thankful that I found out now instead of years down the road.
Thankful that I never had to see that stupid endocrinologist again.
Life's Tough--Try to smile. (cue fake smile)
So I went to get my blood taken yet again--silently begging God to make my numbers normal.
And then back to more waiting.
Ugh seriously, this waiting game is no fun. Who ever invented it should be shot! lol
While we sit here and wait together...
I should probably give you my initial blood test results.
As I am sure you are probably curious...
9/15/11
FSH: 61.8
LH: 46.1
Estradiol: 50
There was more to the blood test, but it doesn't really matter in terms of what this is about... soooo on to the next... The blood results were in. And while the nurse didn't mention anything about my high FSH, she did mention my low cortisol levels. Good Lord people! I was clearly the only one concerned about my post menopausal levels...
Anyway here were the results...
9/29/11
FSH: 31.4
LH: 53.7
Estradiol: 217
So my FSH levels are still very high, but at least not as high as before...
In the meantime, my ob/gyn Kris finally got in touch with me. Set me up with an appointment and gave me something to induce a period... Once my period comes I was to get my blood taken on the 3rd day... because apparently that is what all FSH levels are compared to...
(cue: waiting)
Life's Tough--Try to smile. (cue fake smile)
So I went to get my blood taken yet again--silently begging God to make my numbers normal.
And then back to more waiting.
Ugh seriously, this waiting game is no fun. Who ever invented it should be shot! lol
While we sit here and wait together...
I should probably give you my initial blood test results.
As I am sure you are probably curious...
9/15/11
FSH: 61.8
LH: 46.1
Estradiol: 50
There was more to the blood test, but it doesn't really matter in terms of what this is about... soooo on to the next... The blood results were in. And while the nurse didn't mention anything about my high FSH, she did mention my low cortisol levels. Good Lord people! I was clearly the only one concerned about my post menopausal levels...
Anyway here were the results...
9/29/11
FSH: 31.4
LH: 53.7
Estradiol: 217
So my FSH levels are still very high, but at least not as high as before...
In the meantime, my ob/gyn Kris finally got in touch with me. Set me up with an appointment and gave me something to induce a period... Once my period comes I was to get my blood taken on the 3rd day... because apparently that is what all FSH levels are compared to...
(cue: waiting)
Monday, July 29, 2013
It's the same old story... with complications
Boy meets Girl.
They say I love you.
They move in together.
They plan a future.
God laughs.
That's usually what goes through my head when I think of our life.
"Want to hear God laugh? Tell him your plans"
Our plan--get married, have babies, be deliriously happy...
We are currently planning our wedding (newly engaged! yay!) and are very happy... It's the baby part that God seems to have other plans with.
In Sept 2011, about a year and a half into our relationship, I went to see an endocrinologist. I was gaining weight for no reason and my sister, let's call her Dr. J as she is a doctor and her first name starts with a J (Ooo I'm so original lol) thought perhaps I had Cushings. The endocrinologist did a wide panel of hormone blood tests and a week later a call from her nurse revealed that . . . (wait for it) everything was normal. Ok fine, fax me the information. Turns out that dr. was just lazy and didn't bother to actually read my blood results because everything was NOT normal.
My FSH levels were post menopausal--61.8.
Say what?! I was 26 and should NOT be post menopausal.
So let's google "High FSH"
Did that. Cue tears, sobbing, etc etc.
So after crying in my work bathroom for what seemed to be hours, I did what most women would do (I think) I spoke to my mom. Her reaction "Why are you so upset? Call your Dr. and get retested."
First--I was rather annoyed at her blasé reaction. Um hello I just spent an hour on google about this, she should take me more seriously--Google says I only have a 1% to 5% chance of ever getting pregnant!! And obviously being on Google for an hour reading everything "High FSH" related made me an expert! (haha just kidding of course)
Second--she was right. I should call my dr and see what's up. Let's figure this out. Let's re test. Because clearly that blood test lied (i wish!)
So I called anddd.... the doctor is on vacation (big surprise there!) The nurse assured me that she would have her call me as soon as she returned (cue eye roll).
Instead I decided to nip this in the bud--I called my ob/gyn's office to talk to the NP I saw there--Kris. Faxed her the blood results and waited to hear back...
Raise your hand if you HATE the waiting game!
(both hands in the air)
I hate the waiting game...
but when it comes to fertility problems it's a game we are all familiar with...
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