I'm not really sure how to start this post, so I guess I'll just dive right in.
At the end of Jan 2012, Jeff (boyfriend/fiancé/husband) got hurt at work--I won't go into the details, that belongs to a whole other blog post in itself. So in February we had a bunch of doctor's appointments--he had to get a boot for his foot and X-Rays and I figured that since we were driving around that I could stop at Kris's office really quick to get a pill to induce my period--since it decided to just stop (again).
I went in and they tell me I'm due for an annual.
I tell them I'll call to make an appointment and they insist I get it done now.
Okay fine. (cue: eye roll)
I sit down and wait about 5 mins. Thinking phew this is going to be fast--Awesome!
The nurse was a bitch, sends me back to the waiting room for another 20 mins--are you kidding me?
I finally get called back a second time and she takes me to the room where I waited for an HOUR AND A HALF!! I was livid. Looking back I should have just put my clothes back on and left, but I didn't. Kris finally comes in and I ask her what time it is because Jeff has been in the car waiting for 2 hours with a swollen ankle and 5 broken bones. She rolls her eyes at me. She didn't even finish the exam, just kept saying "oh no you're in a hurry. I'll let you go" never mind the fact that I could hear her out in the hallway earlier laughing it up with co workers while I sat half naked waiting for an hour and a half. I hate this woman. Kris Ziegler you are a horrible NP with the worst bedside manner I have ever witnessed! More on that later because she gets worse...
After being in the room for 3 minutes and not even finishing the exam, she tells me to get dressed and that she has blood work she wants me to have completed before she gives me anything to induce my period. It's laughable that at this point she is pissed at me. Pissed that I asked what time it was. Good Lord!
I get out to the car and at this point both of Jeff's ankles are extremely swollen and he is in excruciating pain. Thanks for that Kris.
Fast forward to the end of March...
I'm a planner.
I like planning things.
It gives me a sense of control.
With POF I lost all sense of control over the future I had planned.
So in March, having just turned 27 and realizing my 30's were closing in I wanted a better plan than the one I was currently working with (losing weight and getting healthier... losing weight being more difficult than I planned considering my body doesn't think I'm in my 20's, but thinks I'm in my late 50's and in menopause, so I just keep gaining weight. JOY!)
So I decided to call Kris--which I dreaded after the horrible experience I had with her in Feb. This time I swore I was going to get her to tell me what my options are. She tells me there is this new(er) blood test that can tell how many eggs I have left--AMH. She says that once she gets the results from this test she'll be able to figure out our best plan.
Someone please tell me why I continued to go to a regular ob/gyn's office and not a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist)?!
Blood results in and they are... horrible.
AMH: <0.16
The results essentially saying I have no eggs.
Kris calls to tell me. She says we can still try and that another option could be a donor egg through CNYFertility in Syracuse. She says that's a long way off though because I am still very young and she still thinks she can get me pregnant.
The next few months were very hard. I couldn't watch anything without crying. Stupid crayola crayon commercials would come on, showing kids coloring and happy mothers and i would just lose it.
Family events were even harder. My younger brother and his girlfriend announced they were expecting a baby at the end of February.
Now this I need to explain because I'm finding that a lot of people think I'm a bitch for crying after finding out news like this... I was so happy for them! So unbelievably happy for them! I was going to have a new niece or nephew to spoil rotten! I was excited for them. But at the exact time that I'm feeling all of this happiness, I was also experiencing the fact that it could possibly never be me. I would never experience what they were about to. And for that I was sad. I was sad for me.
After they told me the news I hugged and congratulated them and was oh so happy. I didn't start to cry until I was in the car. Jeff didn't understand. He kept asking why I couldn't just be happy for them. But I was happy for them. I was sad for us :(
So we decided that even though we weren't engaged that we would start actively trying. I went online and found all the herbs that women with high FSH and low AMH were taking to get pregnant. I recorded my basal body temp daily. Took handfuls of vitamins every morning, evening and right before bed (gag), did shots of nasty wheat grass and stopped drinking. And we tried. And tried. And tried. And Nothing...
Finally at the end of September when Jeff's mom announced to us very casually that Jeff's sister was expecting her second in May, after only trying for 2 weeks, I realized I couldn't do this on my own and needed to see an RE.
Again--it needs to be said, I was happy for his sister!
I love children and again this would just be another niece or nephew that we could spoil and love. I still cried though. I went home and drank an entire bottle of wine and tried to drown myself in tears.
Jeff still couldn't understand. I guess it would be hard for him to. It's hard for most people to grasp. Every time someone in our family announced they were pregnant it just made me realize how defective and broken my body was. My body isn't functioning properly. I could potentially never give Jeff the children he wants. And all around me people are getting pregnant without even trying. They don't have to record their body temp or take pills or not drink or do shots of wheat grass etc etc etc... They just got pregnant naturally.
cue: pity party
I decided to look into Buffalo IVF, but wanted to talk to Kris first. She originally told me she had an open door policy and to call her whenever I had any questions. I called her at the end of September... It took her a week and a half to call me back...
This would be the last time we spoke.
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